“His and hers”, “everybody wins” - we spend time as parents worrying about how our kid is going to feel when they inevitably lose at something - and we can have a very catch-all definition of “lose”.
Competitive spending is “because she got X, he gets Y” - it’s a skewed version of fairness that we use in our relationships.
This is particularly noticeable in big ticket items - I get a piece of electronics, Tina gets some jewelry.
Outspending your partner or “even spending” your partner in the name of fairness is a flawed way of treating money.
It’s not his and her money - it’s your money. Your combined household income. It’s not a competition, it’s a tag team.
My phone breaking and me needing a replacement isn’t permission for Christina to go out and drop a whole bunch of cash, and vice versa. We need to walk with the ebb and flow of life, and if it feels to you like someone else “winning” or “getting a treat” means that you’re losing out, your definition of fairness means that things must be fair...to you. That when your spouse “wins”, that win is coming out of your pocket.
If you want to win with money, your partnership has to be on the same page.
Can you imagine the difference between investment returns with a $40,000 yearly income separate from a $60,000 yearly income versus a combined $100,000 income? It’s obvious, and our experience supports a joint account marriage.
Play the long game and have grace. Work as a team, willing to forgive when necessary and celebrate your wins.
The game is his and hers, not his versus hers.
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