This particular blog post is about the here and now, and is also a reflection on a book that I’m reading, and thinking about past and present experiences.
To be clear to friends and family who know our lifestyle, we’re still working The Seven Baby Steps (71% through Baby Step #2!!!), and we still don’t and aren’t borrowing money.
I’m listening to Dr. Gabor Mate’s book “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts” in which he talks about his experiences working at a harm reduction clinic in Vancouver’s downtown lower east side.
In the book, he discusses his shopping addiction involving being a music collector. I feel very “seen” in this chapter.
We long for connection.
We long to be accepted and loved.
Secrets destroy relationships by creating disconnection - “gaps”.
When we feel disconnected, we make decisions that can be harmful to us in order to feel temporary relief from relationship disconnection.
I don’t want to compare myself to addicted human beings who are coping with major, health and mind altering addictions (smoking, alcohol and drugs come to mind) - I want to talk about lenses.
I think the things that I’ve noticed about my compulsive spending most are:
-secrets (i.e. not wanting to share when I’ve overspent/spent beyond the budget/spent without consulting)
-lies/deception/sneaky behavior (Dr. Mate talks about hiding CD’s on the front porch when he would walk into his house after binging)
-entitlement mentality (justifications, “I deserve/we deserve”)
-screen time increase
-playing the blame game
And those things lead to feeling disconnected from your spouse (can you blame them?).
When we feel disconnected, we feel a pain and a gap in our relationship, and we have to tamp that down with something. The “something” can be more shopping (“add to cart”!), it can relate to lust, it could be binging on food/alcohol/drugs/video games.
The “high” we feel in these moments is pale compared to the real deal relationship we have with our spouse when the slate is clean, but it’s what we come up with to cope in the meantime, in the time lapse between you creating further distance in your relationship (not “coming clean”) or telling your spouse the truth, and having an awkward conversation.
Why awkward? Well, one of the things that I think is most clear here is that it’s hard to come to your spouse with the same thing - again.
You’ve made promises in the past, you’ve talked about strategies, you’ve committed to being more intentional, getting help, the list goes on and on - and here you are again.
Wherever you go, there you are.
You go with you.
The best way to “get help” in this situation is to find accountability in your life. This could be a parent, your spouse, a close and trusted friend, a counselor, even an addiction support network.
Our compulsions, our addictions, send us into an alternate reality that lies to us about not being understood.
If you’re struggling, if you’re hiding - starting now, turn on the lights, and have the discussion. You’re not alone, and your spouse likely knows more than you think.
It's time to re-connect.
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